Gay Sons

by Benjamin Anderson 1998

Our Thoughts

This essay was originally written in response to a father's note wondering whether his lack of closeness to his son caused his son to be gay.

My son is gay. I always knew he was. But I can't blame myself for my son's being gay. Of course, we can all look back on the way we raised our children, and wished we had done some things differently, but that's true of gays or straights, homosexuals or heterosexuals -- at least for those who were married and had children.

When I grew up, I figured that I was what I was because of the way I was raised and the choices I had made. However, I no longer believe this to be entirely the case. When I was little, I used to play with dolls. I had a collection of about two dozen that I played with, even into my early school years. Then, I also played "house" where I was the mother. I dressed for the part in clothes that my mother gave me. These included hats, shoes, purses, etc. My brothers made fun of me, but I didn't care. Name calling became common. As I got older I gradually left off playing this way, not because I disliked it, but because it was not acceptable to so many people.

So when I had my own kids, I was going to make sure that they were not raised the same way that I was. I made sure that my sons played only masculine games. No dolls, but cars and trucks. They had their hair cut short, even when it was popular to have it long. They took auto mechanics in school, etc., etc. My daughter was not to have short hair, or wear pants, or play cars with the boys. She was to learn to cook, sew, and do the feminine things etc., etc. I was determined to save my children from the fate that I suffered, and I thought this would keep them straight.

As it turned out, my oldest son is gay, even with this type of upbringing. And my second son and daughter are straight. I don't think a father's being "distant" has anything to do with his son being gay. I believe we are born with certain traits and that's that. We may cultivate them, as I did,  but this was not how I became gay. I did these things because I was gay, not the other way around. I also realize that because we live in a world that has degenerated from the one God originally created, a lot of things happen that God never intended, such as thorns on the roses, etc. And I also know that there are those who have chosen to try out or live the gay life for various other reasons then being born gay. Fulfilling sexual needs comes in many different forms, and this is just one way that some people have chosen.

Now that brings me to my next point. Many people say that if we were born this way, surely God will not require us to deny ourselves something that seems to be so natural to us. If this were the case, then God would not have stated the things that He does in the Bible about homosexuality. People who hold this opinion, are in a sense saying that there is an excuse for sinning, and there is never an excuse for sin, or God would be unfair. Of course this is just what Satan want people to believe. 

God would have us be a pure people, and this includes so much more than just the fact of being homosexual OR heterosexual. God never requires anything of us, that he doesn't give us the power to overcome. One can find over and over in the Bible where Jesus is just waiting to give us power to overcome all things. Read 2 Peter 1:2-4 However, no one likes to deny himself. But, I read that that's exactly what Jesus said, "If any man will come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me". Matthew 16:24.

If I felt that homosexuality was condoned in the Bible, I probably would have continued the life that I was living because it felt very natural for me. However, we, like Moses, must look at the final reward, as we make our choice. Hebrews 11:24-26. God will not force us to go one way or the other.

My son and I are on very good terms. He knows where I stand, and I respect his choice. I love him  desperately and pray that God will give him wisdom to see the outcome of the direction of his life. But if he chooses to continue to live as he is and is eventually lost, I will still continue to love him, and he knows that. I try not to preach but to let my example be my witness. He, his partner, and I do things and go places together. They call and talk on the phone, and just yesterday called to invite me for dinner as he had just made a big batch of vegetarian meat balls. I write a newsletter for people who were raised SDA and are no longer in the church, trying to show love rather than condemnation. My son has accepted the paper, and whether he reads it or not, I haven't asked. but on the other hand, he hasn't told me to stop sending it.

God is so good! He's trying to save us all, including our children, if we just don't get in the way and falsely represent Him. Love, love, love -- that's what the world needs NOW!

In His steps,

See Benjamin's Story, End of the Rainbow

Top   Home   Thought Index